As an excerpt from episode 82 of the Unlock U Podcast with Dr. Shannan Crawford, guest Jessica Satterfield shares her story of infertility, the loss of a child as a mother, and the grief that comes with it. Dr. Crawford breaks down what grief looks like practically, and how to process through it.
If you're struggling with grief, we at Crawford Clinics can help. Call today 817-601-5540
Grief in an Abusive Home
I grew up in an abusive home, very dysfunctional, and I just knew that when I grew up, I wanted to be a mom and I wanted to have a safe home, and I was going to marry this beautiful man. We were going to live in a little white house with a white picket fence with 4.5 little blonde headed, curly headed children running around.
I married the man of my dreams, and we started trying to get pregnant and our white picket fences just crumbled around us. And I thought that because I'd walked through so much [hardship] already in my life that I’d kind of done my dues. [I thought] we've put in the hard work, so this part of my life is going to be smooth sailing. We started trying to get pregnant and we tried for several years. We did infertility treatments, we did medicated cycles, we did the timing, the shots, all of the different things, and it just wasn't happening.
Seeking Infertility Community
To make a very long story short, I was desperate for community. I had no one at that time. This was 12-13 years ago, we were talking about infertility. It wasn't something that was talked about. Now, you go on social media and there's all types of communities for people walking through infertility. There wasn't then, and I was desperate for community and so I started something that I needed.
The Garden was born in my living room and I had 22 girls the first night. Over the years it grew, and we really loved to welcome in women whose hearts were desperate. And [there were] different stories of infertility, infant loss, miscarriage, adoption, foster care. We've invited in women who have had abortions previously and are walking through that recovery as well.
I am the president and founder and we have an amazing executive director who's hands on the ground, feet on the ground now running that ministry. And it's just been such a privilege to watch it start in my living room and grow throughout the years.
Saying Yes to Adoption
After three - four years of infertility, we ended up feeling a release from the infertility stuff. It has just been so hard on my body and we stepped into adoption and we really struggled. I struggled more than my husband stepping into that.
The night that I said yes to adoption, a man handed us a check for $10,000. And said, “this is a check for your adoption.” He had no idea that me and Brandon had been talking about it, and that I was kind of on the fence, the reason being I thought, “there's no way we have finances for this.” It was like God gave us a check that very night. That does not happen to people. You don't have a random check for $10,000 given to you.
We started the adoption process with our now oldest child. She's about to turn nine in December. What's beautiful about her story is from the moment that we started adoption paperwork until the moment we brought her home was exactly nine months, which is really fast in the adoption world. She was a promise fulfilled for us and still lights up our life. She's amazing, Selah.
Foster Care and Adoption
Several months later, her birth mother called us when Selah was nine months old and said she was pregnant again and asked us to take the baby - we had an open adoption. Several months later, Micah, our now middle child, was born and came home with us. They are exactly 16 months apart. Years passed from Micah coming home and their half biological brother Zion was put in foster care. My sister had been a foster mom for years and we had walked out this adoption/foster care journey together.
We weren't licensed to be foster care parents at the time, however they were. We wanted the siblings to be together and so did their birth mom. My sister and brother-in-law fostered Zion for two months while we were licensed, and then he was home with us. We went from Mickey Mouse clubhouse and diapers to Legos and transformers with a seven year old boy. I had toddlers at the time and it [felt like] we were thrown in the deep end of parenting. Not only were we parenting a seven year old, but we were parenting a child that came from tremendous trauma. It was the sweetest and hardest season and Zion was adopted two years later. On November 18th, 2019, his adoption day, his name was changed to Zion Satterfield. That was so important to him.
Child Loss Tragedy
And then in May of 2020, he passed away tragically. It was as if our entire lives crashed down around us. Everything that we remotely saw for our future shattered. This was in the midst of walking through several failed adoptions, all the while praying for healing in my body from infertility. At that point, I was barren for ten years and it felt like everything crashed down around us and we had no place to turn.
It was then that I started to become unlocked because as we were parenting Zion, I started noticing some things in myself. Looking back at my childhood trauma, I was noticing that Zion would trigger me, and I didn't realize why I was triggered. Zion was in counseling, I got myself into counseling, and I focused on what I call “the three Cs.” This has radically changed my life and it's counseling, community, and communion. He had just passed away within the week as I began to focus on the three C’s.
Grieving the Death of a Child
With the whole family in counseling, we had to learn how to walk forward without him. It's so tragic when anybody passes away. It feels devastating when it's a child - and he was ten. He was so full of life. He had so many great things ahead of him. So many prophetic words over his life. It was hard. He had a hard life. We were walking through really hard things.
I think back to that summer and all I could do was get out of bed to parent the other two. I remember my community around me was telling me to drink Pedialyte, to eat, and reminding me of things that you normally think to do. It was as if I couldn't take care of myself, much less anyone else. I was in so much shock and the grief compounded. I even felt it in my body.
What Losing a Child does to Marriage
Our pastor looked at us the day he passed away and said to us, “most marriages that lose a child don't make it.” I think 80% of marriages who lose a child don’t make it. He said, “you have to choose one another every single day.” My husband and I made it a priority at that moment. We chose each other every single day. We were present with our children. We decided to cancel our trips for the months ahead. We were not going to be away from them. We always go on a trip every year, just us, and we felt like us being present for them was very important.
If you're in need of grief counseling, we at Crawford Clinics can help. Call today 817-601-5540
How do I know I’m Grieving?
Maybe you have had a hard time taking care of yourself in a period of grief, whether in the past or maybe even in the present. Many times we don't realize we're in grief. There's a shock-denial, a beautiful insulating factor that helps us simply to function and get through the day. Especially if you have family members or employees or things that you are responsible for, it's really easy to stay on autopilot and not realize you've entered into grief. And not even realize you're not taking care of yourself.
That may sound like “self-help” nonsense. But in reality, if you're not getting the appropriate protein and building blocks and getting the sleep and exercise needed, if you're just scrolling through social media or Netflix, you're literally going to create the perfect storm for depression.
Grief does not have to turn into depression or complex grief.
Grief is very valid. It's very real, and there is sorrow and loss and anger and adjustment and confusion, but it does not have to turn into depression. Many of the people I work with find themselves in a situation where they kind of numb out and it's easier to avoid and not deal. So we power through, we keep going. But picture it like a little fracture, a hairline fracture in your leg. You keep putting more pressure, more pressure, and likewise, your inner world is holding and containing a lot for you.
Physical Health While Grieving
It’s so important to eat nutritious meals instead of fast food and junk food. Your body will lean toward those high calorie sugars and simple carbs because it spikes your glycemic index. This temporarily makes us feel better and energetic, just like caffeine and other sources that we self-medicate with, and they're not bad. Simply be aware that you need to be getting good nutrition, good minerals, water, and protein now more than ever in a grief state.
Because your body is also grieving, not only your soul, note that it takes a lot of energy to grieve. You may find that you get winded and fatigued during the day and you think I don't have the energy to care about one more thing. For example, looking at your phone and responding to one voicemail feels like way too much. That's because your soul is going through a lot, which taxes your body.
Give yourself a lot more grace during times of loss, transition, breakup, someone passing away, anything where your life has just changed radically on the outside.
You might be able to function and make meals for everybody and run the business. You might be able to do that on the outside, but be kind to yourself. Be aware, if you do not steward your inner world, you're using up all the backlog of good chemicals, and before you know it, you're going to crash. And that's where you create a depressive episode that follows grief.
I love Jessica's story, her vulnerability of sharing where she was at, where she needed friends to remind her to drink Pedialyte. Many times our brain is not even thinking about that. Think of it like a computer. So much of the brain is in the back trying to keep you afloat and block all those emotions and survive the next five minutes, resulting in it not being present enough to decide, oh! I should go on a walk and be in nature. I should step away. Cell phone or the stimulus of numbing out and avoiding. But I really need to read a good book. I need to journal. I need to go to counseling. I need to be in a healthy relationship and process. Obviously not all the time, but structuring in time that you can process and also know you will sound like a broken record even to yourself. I want to affirm that that's normal and it's actually an appropriate part of grief.
You are more than capable of living life in abundance even when hard times, tragedies, and traumas come crashing down. Give it time. Give it space. Forgive. Give grace. Grief is not impossible to overcome, don’t suffer in silence, get around people that can hold your heart when life gets heavy.
If you're struggling with grief, we at Crawford Clinics can help. Call today 817-601-5540